I had fully intended to have a week full of posts, but I guess we all know what they say about good intentions. Somehow life and work got in my way this week - funny how that is. Oddly enough I don't get paid for just sitting around posting my thoughts all day. To be honest it was a really trying week - to put it mildly - and I am sitting here not knowing what to think about anything. I don't even have the joy of using my happy mug this morning (the one with bright, happy flowers all over it) because it broke this week. That was the final straw - I looked up, shook my head and thought 'you have GOT to be kidding me'.
But it was no joke - none of this week was a joke. My sponsor would say this is all a great growing opportunity. Well, if that's the case then I'm having growing pains. I'm really struggling to know what I'm suppose to be doing. Where I fit in. What my purpose is. Blah, blah, blah. I make myself nauseated with all this stuff - imagine what my poor husband has to put up with. He said my life theme song should be Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne - I tend to agree with him. Unfortunately in my family that comes a little too close to home as bi-polar disease seems to run in my father's family. In fact, my father is currently on the Crazy Train - I haven't spoken to him in almost 8 months. So it doesn't help to have that nagging fear of really going crazy in the back of my mind - whispering to me that this is the beginning of the end.
The worst of this week was that I took a chance and shared an idea with someone. I am so tired of doing nothing with my ideas - I think of them and write them out in my journal - tag the page for future reference and there they sit. And sit. And sit. Nothing materializes because I have not found the courage to pull them off the page. But this one idea nagged at me and has to do with another area of my life. So I took it off the journal page - discussed it with others and put a little something together to show someone I thought may be in a position to guide me. It was a disaster. Never having done something like that before I felt very vulnerable and unsure of myself. I feel like I exposed my naked self to this person and that they took a glance and said no thanks. This was something I thought I may be able to share with a community I'm a part of but I felt the answer I got was I need to go pursue this personally. I felt crushed and confused. I don't know if I didn't get my idea across well enough - to be fair I hadn't worked it all the way through and my verbal presentation skills are seriously lacking - I get horribly flustered and tongue tied with people of authority. It left me questioning so many things - not the least of which was my participation in this community and whether I wanted to continue it. Which after 10 years will be a hard decision to come to, but one that will have to be made.
I was also pretty angry after this meeting and anger has always been a great motivator for me. It seems all my majors changes in life have been partially pushed along by anger. So I took my anger and made phone calls, did some searching on the web and got connected with an organization that is doing what I'm interested in. So my friend and I spent last night under the Burnside Bridge helping to hand out food to homeless people. I have never done anything like that before - had no idea what to expect - had no idea what I was suppose to do or say, but I went and I did it. I did whatever was needed by the organizers, I tried my best to interact with everyone - which being an extreme introvert was a real challenge for me. My friend and I walked away exhausted and frozen to the bone - and feeling very much alive. I would like to somehow visually document this journey - these people have names and stories - and I'd like to share this journey with anyone interested in seeing it.
I have no idea where all this is coming from. This was suppose to be my year to focus on creating - but maybe this is what I'm suppose to be creating. I have no idea. I just don't know anything anymore and it all feels very overwhelming. So this is where I'm at. I am so far outside my box I don't even know where the bloody thing is anymore.
Through all of this I am trying to work on a piece for a gallery that is allowing locals to submit their work for a small donation & they will have it on display in their back room. I don't care if it's on display in the cleaning closet of the gallery - I want to make this deadline. My photos are rubbish, but this is the woman I am working on. The theme of the submissions is "Sweet Treats" and I'm calling my pregnant woman - "My sweet bun in the oven". I love the pregnant body - I think it's incredibly beautiful and such a miracle that a woman's body can create life. I personally loved being pregnant (minus the very last two days when I felt like a beached whale that could barely move from location to location). This piece will go to my friend Janet, who after years of trying is finally pregnant with her second.
I started with a wire frame - bulked her out with tin foil and then added the Sculpey. I have really enjoyed making her - love the feel of my fingers shaping her body. Is she perfect? Heck, no. I'm sure I have missed some major muscle tissues and bone structures - but OH WELL. I think people will be able to tell it's a pregnant woman - much to the embarrassment of my children. "Aren't you going to put clothes on her?" they ask me. "No" I reply. "But you can see all her parts". "Exactly" I say. They just shake their heads and walk off.
So I suppose all I can do as far as life goes is keep my head up, keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other - hopefully not in the direction of a steep cliff......
So here she is - my prego lady for the "Sweet Treats" entry at the Sixth Street Gallery. Now you are probably wondering how this translates into a sweet treat so follow me on this one. My original thought was this - I love nude women (please don't read more into that other than I appreciate the female body on an artistic level!) so I basically wanted to create a nude. How to work that into a sweet treat? That's when 'bun in the oven popped into my head - with the recent pregnancy of my friend Janet helping to spur that image along. But at the end of all this as I'm painting the final touches and after holding my friends baby grandson, I thought "Aren't babies really the sweetest treat of all?" Many of you may be thinking "Heck NO!" or "It depends on the day you ask me" etc. But the bottom line is all life starts out as a baby of some sort - and for the female to create this inside of her body is an absolute miracle. I won't get into the part of the baby growing up to be a middle schooler.....that is a whole other piece of art involving lots of black and an occasional splash of color! 
