Dazed and Confused

I had fully intended to have a week full of posts, but I guess we all know what they say about good intentions. Somehow life and work got in my way this week - funny how that is. Oddly enough I don't get paid for just sitting around posting my thoughts all day. To be honest it was a really trying week - to put it mildly - and I am sitting here not knowing what to think about anything. I don't even have the joy of using my happy mug this morning (the one with bright, happy flowers all over it) because it broke this week. That was the final straw - I looked up, shook my head and thought 'you have GOT to be kidding me'.

But it was no joke - none of this week was a joke. My sponsor would say this is all a great growing opportunity. Well, if that's the case then I'm having growing pains. I'm really struggling to know what I'm suppose to be doing. Where I fit in. What my purpose is. Blah, blah, blah. I make myself nauseated with all this stuff - imagine what my poor husband has to put up with. He said my life theme song should be Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne - I tend to agree with him. Unfortunately in my family that comes a little too close to home as bi-polar disease seems to run in my father's family. In fact, my father is currently on the Crazy Train - I haven't spoken to him in almost 8 months. So it doesn't help to have that nagging fear of really going crazy in the back of my mind - whispering to me that this is the beginning of the end.

The worst of this week was that I took a chance and shared an idea with someone. I am so tired of doing nothing with my ideas - I think of them and write them out in my journal - tag the page for future reference and there they sit. And sit. And sit. Nothing materializes because I have not found the courage to pull them off the page. But this one idea nagged at me and has to do with another area of my life. So I took it off the journal page - discussed it with others and put a little something together to show someone I thought may be in a position to guide me. It was a disaster. Never having done something like that before I felt very vulnerable and unsure of myself. I feel like I exposed my naked self to this person and that they took a glance and said no thanks. This was something I thought I may be able to share with a community I'm a part of but I felt the answer I got was I need to go pursue this personally. I felt crushed and confused. I don't know if I didn't get my idea across well enough - to be fair I hadn't worked it all the way through and my verbal presentation skills are seriously lacking - I get horribly flustered and tongue tied with people of authority. It left me questioning so many things - not the least of which was my participation in this community and whether I wanted to continue it. Which after 10 years will be a hard decision to come to, but one that will have to be made.

I was also pretty angry after this meeting and anger has always been a great motivator for me. It seems all my majors changes in life have been partially pushed along by anger. So I took my anger and made phone calls, did some searching on the web and got connected with an organization that is doing what I'm interested in. So my friend and I spent last night under the Burnside Bridge helping to hand out food to homeless people. I have never done anything like that before - had no idea what to expect - had no idea what I was suppose to do or say, but I went and I did it. I did whatever was needed by the organizers, I tried my best to interact with everyone - which being an extreme introvert was a real challenge for me. My friend and I walked away exhausted and frozen to the bone - and feeling very much alive. I would like to somehow visually document this journey - these people have names and stories - and I'd like to share this journey with anyone interested in seeing it.

I have no idea where all this is coming from. This was suppose to be my year to focus on creating - but maybe this is what I'm suppose to be creating. I have no idea. I just don't know anything anymore and it all feels very overwhelming. So this is where I'm at. I am so far outside my box I don't even know where the bloody thing is anymore.

Through all of this I am trying to work on a piece for a gallery that is allowing locals to submit their work for a small donation & they will have it on display in their back room. I don't care if it's on display in the cleaning closet of the gallery - I want to make this deadline. My photos are rubbish, but this is the woman I am working on. The theme of the submissions is "Sweet Treats" and I'm calling my pregnant woman - "My sweet bun in the oven". I love the pregnant body - I think it's incredibly beautiful and such a miracle that a woman's body can create life. I personally loved being pregnant (minus the very last two days when I felt like a beached whale that could barely move from location to location). This piece will go to my friend Janet, who after years of trying is finally pregnant with her second.

I started with a wire frame - bulked her out with tin foil and then added the Sculpey. I have really enjoyed making her - love the feel of my fingers shaping her body. Is she perfect? Heck, no. I'm sure I have missed some major muscle tissues and bone structures - but OH WELL. I think people will be able to tell it's a pregnant woman - much to the embarrassment of my children. "Aren't you going to put clothes on her?" they ask me. "No" I reply. "But you can see all her parts". "Exactly" I say. They just shake their heads and walk off.

So I suppose all I can do as far as life goes is keep my head up, keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other - hopefully not in the direction of a steep cliff......